And right now, life is terrible. I'm tired, mentally. I hate partial of my motherhood experience. And I am struggling to give myself an identity apart from being a mother.
It's so hard sometimes I want to quit. And it's even harder when I blame myself for wanting to quit.
And all the guilt I carry with me all the time.
I regret when I scold him, I regret when I beat him, I regret when I lost it and snap.
I feel guilty when I do not manage to get him to work with him, I feel self conscious when other people try to communicate with him, I feel worry when he doesn't seem to move forward.
I feel nobody will ever understand what I am actually going through.
I hate it when other parents share the accomplishments of their children. And yet it's a very stupid hate, my second child is achieving her milestones too. Shall I hate myself?
And then, I feel stupid for feeling angry and envious.
And most of all, the loneliness. I thought I was stupid to feel this way but only to find blogs of other mothers feeling the same too.
Sometimes I do not know what I want more, to have my friends to ask me openly how I am holding up, or to have friends talk about other things like everything is okay. I don't even know what I want.
I want to find a better way to cope with myself. I need one.