2018年6月4日星期一

Beyond The Overloaded Cuteness

Her cuteness is just overwhelming!

I spent a lot more time with my second child than any other human being in this world. I teach her everything she's interested in, I spend my time making sure she runs around, mess around as much as she likes. I try my best to make sure she has a happy childhood, and not a lonely one.

Sometimes I watch her sleep, and I told myself I'm such a lucky mother to have her. Before her, I was a mess. I spent a lot of time having emotional roller coasters, crying and stressing over how I should handle my first child and what future is like for him.

When I was carrying her, I made sure my emotion was as stable as it could be. I didn't want to cause her any damage from the starting line. And now that she's communicating in her baby way, I no longer feel that I am talking to the wall the whole day. I am finally getting responses, even though not from both kids.

Sometimes I feel worried for her, does she feel lonely when the big brother doesn't want to play with her? Did I put too much invisible stress on her for hoping that she will be the one who leads the big brother for more and better progress? Do I sometimes neglect her needs of being a small baby for more cuddling and pampering because I have to focus on the elder one?

I find it hard to find a balance. On one hand, I am afraid of putting on too much attention playing with her and neglect the non communicating brother. On another hand, I am afraid that I give in to the brother more often than her, that will result her to feel neglected. And often, I fall in the the pit we call "mom guilt" and it sucks.

Beyond this cuteness, I'm always worried if anything I do or did wrongly would damage her one way or another. And most of all, sometimes I have a strong feeling that, I cannot lose this child. She is the most important thing to me.

2018年3月10日星期六

Over The Years

It's been a while since I blog, and sometimes I wonder who are still blogging. With so much social media, blogging is hardly a thing anymore.

But I still want to keep my blog, I take it as a public diary. A record of my growth.

And today, I want to record a little about myself.

When I was single, no kids, when I was an engineer, I had this thought that bothered me a lot. Was I going to be in this job forever? I didn't hate my job (I might hate some of aspects of the jobs, and.... some people??!!), but since a long time ago I always wanted to have a job, that I could wake up, cracking up work in my pajamas and a hot cup of coffee at my own dining table.

Engineer, was not the answer for me.

But I was lazy, I procrastinate(d), I was too comfortable in my job, I put the thought at the corner of my mind. Only examined it occasionally, not enough to start an engine to push myself.

So the thought sat for a while.

Then one day, I told my friend I was afraid. What if one day, I got married with kids and I blamed them, telling them they're the reason I sacrificed myself and didn't achieve what I wanted to do, what I wanted to be.

My friend said I was having a quarter life crisis, I thought I was.

Then, I started to be a little bit more serious about this thought of mine.

I took a short course of introduction to journalism. I didn't want to spend a lot of money in a part time course in something I wasn't sure. So I took a cheap one, short one, and as you can guess, cheap and high quality are mutually exclusive of each other, the course wasn't fantastic. But I learned that I have my limitations in this field. My language. My vocab. My grammar. They're all so messed up.

Journalism wasn't for me. But I was glad I tried, I even bought a book to improve vocabulary for daily practice. (And then I stopped....)

Then things sat around for a long time. I planned my wedding, I got married, we bought a house, we took care of the renovation, I got pregnant, I gave birth and I quitted.

When I finally got the rhythm of my daily life with my elder child. I started to play with food photography. I always like photography. I always travel with my DSLR. And before I had my children, I sometimes go for walks with my DSLR, just to snap and practice. As I was playing with food photography, I again realised my limitations.

Food photography needs a lot of set up. I don't have so much space for a set up at my small little home. My home is filled with toys, books, play yard etc. Besides, I need to prepare and learn food styling. Which was almost impossible!!! I only have a window of 1.5hour averagely to do cleaning, preparing the food, taking photographs, eating the food, cleaning up, showering. It's a mission impossible.

And so, I started to tuck my stuffs away again...

Then I was pregnant for the second time. During the pregnancy I had to spent 9 hours a week out of the house, waiting for my son to finish his class. During that time, I started to pick up hand lettering and drawing. And I realized, that's somethingI can do. I can do it for half an hour in the afternoon, and continue the rest at night, or tomorrow, or even after a week. I can work on it on computer. I can work on a minimal tools (a black brush pen and paper). I can do just drafting. I can.... Time can by easily planned. If I'm disturbed in the middle of my work, it's frustrating, but it's fine. I can continue.

When I first started, the letters and spaces were very poorly planned. I didn't control the brush very well too!

While these still need a lot of improvements, but I'm happy I actually made some progress. Look at the same quote at bottom left, I'm happily giving it away to the person who inspired me to write the quote as a gift. She's my boss, she's always been inspiring and encouraging. 

So now, I'm being one of the most greedy person in the world, trying to learn everything, doodle, hand lettering, watercolour, design on Illustrator. Reading bits and pieces, browsing Instagram and Pinterest.

I wish this time, this will really bring me somewhere I wanted to be. I promise myself I'll work for it.

Some time ago, I wrote in my personal diary (Yes, I still keep one even though I hardly wrote anything), 为不是妈妈的自己加油。

2018年2月2日星期五

I know, life is not always good. 

And right now, life is terrible. I'm tired, mentally. I hate partial of my motherhood experience. And I am struggling to give myself an identity apart from being a mother. 

It's so hard sometimes I want to quit. And it's even harder when I blame myself for wanting to quit. 

And all the guilt I carry with me all the time. 

I regret when I scold him, I regret when I beat him, I regret when I lost it and snap. 
I feel guilty when I do not manage to get him to work with him, I feel self conscious when other people try to communicate with him, I feel worry when he doesn't seem to move forward.

I feel nobody will ever understand what I am actually going through. 
I hate it when other parents share the accomplishments of their children. And yet it's a very stupid hate, my second child is achieving her milestones too. Shall I hate myself?
And then, I feel stupid for feeling angry and envious.

And most of all, the loneliness. I thought I was stupid to feel this way but only to find blogs of other mothers feeling the same too. 

Sometimes I do not know what I want more, to have my friends to ask me openly how I am holding up, or to have friends talk about other things like everything is okay. I don't even know what I want. 

I want to find a better way to cope with myself. I need one. 

2018年1月6日星期六

Hello 2018!

I know it's a little late for a new year post, but the year started a little rough. My son's been sick the second day we got back from hometown. Nursing him to recovery, and caring for the both of them have taken up all the time. He's still recovering, hope he gets well really soon!

While the Facebook flooded with comics and memes of how tough was 2017, I thought to myself, it wasn't that bad. Like what I wrote in my Instagram post, I was a little low because I thought I didn't achieve anything for the year, but I didn't particularly think that 2017 has been bad to me. Also, reminded by my friends, that I actually did quite a few things, even though I do not call them achievements. 

Not until my husband reminded me of a few things that happened in 2017.

My son was hospitalised due to complex seizures. And worse, it was during my confinement. I was tired all the time, and feeling guilty that I could not be with my newborn. 

He had a couple more seizures throughout the year, we've seen neurologist a few times. And he's been confirmed to have epilepsy.

He started on his first epilepsy medication, Epilim and the side effects got the worst on him. He can't control himself, cry several hours and we had to get him to A & E. We're just very very tired, but really thankful my mother was around.

After he listed out the events, I thought to myself, how can I forget all these? But again why not? Ignorance (or lack of good memory in this case) can sometimes be a bliss. I do not remember not because I do not care for him, but I guess my brain protect myself from such pain by hiding these information.

Instead I reminded myself he enrolled to the center since February last year, and made some improvements. He's not talking but at least he can sometimes try to communicate. He's not running, but he's walking much better and more confident with stairs. He's not on par with his growth, but he has better awareness.

Besides, I'm thankful that after Epilim failed, we tried Keppra and it works. We can go on a family vacation like it used to be!

It's never been easy, whether it's 2017 or 2016 or 1999... that's life! We face challenges every year, every month, every day.

All I can tell myself is to move on, work hard and don't give up!

2017年12月11日星期一

Let The Kids Be Who They Are

In other words, Leave Them Alone!

Today I decided to open up something that I have kept with me since young. (Yikes!)

I have a wonderful sister. We love her, I love her.

She's wise, we turn to her for advice. She's fun, she makes comedy funnier and horror movies scarier. She's crazy, she doesn't act like her age most of the time. She's wonderful, because she loves us for who we are and she loves my children unconditionally too.

But having such a sister, may not always make things easy for you. I spent a lot of my growing up times being the "victim" of comparison, from relatives and teachers alike. Thankfully, my parents never did this to us. And my lovely sister, she never acts superior.

There were several occasions that the comparisons were made so blunt, they were hard to shake it off. I persuaded myself to let it go so many times but, if I am still currently writing it, it means I have never really let it go.

Hurtful things were said to me:

"Your sister is so good in her maths, what happened to you?" By a math teacher, are you f***ing kidding me, it hurt me so badly I told my chemistry teacher I would like to change to another class and drop the subject. Thankfully she's so kind, she advice me to stay through and I did.

"Whoa, I never expected you could get so many A's like your sister!" by some relatives. Like, seriously?

The list goes on but I'm not going to write them down. My point is, everybody is FREAKING different. We have our own traits, we have our own strengths. Being born in the same family, doesn't mean we perform the same.

Victims of comparison often have to "act" like nothing happened when you made that comparison (we have to act, because if we react, you'll say we're RUDE), but deep down, that comments that you may not have remembered anyway, pierced through the confidence, shattered the person. Especially they were made during the sensitive years of teenage. Maybe it's just me as I can be a more sensitive person.

I spent a lot of time during my uni and my working life, trying to figure out what exactly are my strengths. Because most part of my growing life, I felt I'm of no good in anything.

I'm lucky I have a very very good sister. She loves me for whoever I am and she gives me advice all the time and takes good care of me. She loves me like a second mother to me. That is so important to me, because she makes me who I am today.

So, please stop comparing siblings, or cousins or anything, in anything! Everybody is different.

(And you wonder why second child has some characteristics, we're just trying to protect ourselves from being hurt)

2017年12月6日星期三

Feed The Mommy——日式照燒三文魚和蘑菇小白菜伴蕎麦

快速解决的午餐

再次让我脸皮厚厚的分享我“自创”的快速料理。

拌面酱料

  • 1汤匙麻油
  • 1汤匙日本white dashi
  • 1汤匙酱油
材料
  • Soba或任何你喜欢的面条吧
  • 任何菇类,多种都可以
  • 小白菜
  • 三文鱼
  • 奶油
  • Teriyaki Sauce
  • 白芝麻
  • 青葱
做法
  1. 三文鱼先用teriyaki sauce稍微腌制以下 (我在巴杀买的三文鱼,都会请uncle帮我切片,煮起来方便)
  2. 依照包装上的指示煮面条。在煮面条的最后一分钟下小白菜。
  3. 热锅,蘑菇用奶油炒一炒。
  4. 起锅,煎一煎三文鱼。
  5. 煮好的面条和小白菜,和酱料一起捞一捞。
  6. 铺上煎好的蘑菇和三文鱼,撒上青葱和白芝麻即可。
  7. 找个光线好的地方,拍张照片。呵呵。
十五分钟搞定的午餐!