But I still want to keep my blog, I take it as a public diary. A record of my growth.
And today, I want to record a little about myself.
When I was single, no kids, when I was an engineer, I had this thought that bothered me a lot. Was I going to be in this job forever? I didn't hate my job (I might hate some of aspects of the jobs, and.... some people??!!), but since a long time ago I always wanted to have a job, that I could wake up, cracking up work in my pajamas and a hot cup of coffee at my own dining table.
Engineer, was not the answer for me.
But I was lazy, I procrastinate(d), I was too comfortable in my job, I put the thought at the corner of my mind. Only examined it occasionally, not enough to start an engine to push myself.
So the thought sat for a while.
Then one day, I told my friend I was afraid. What if one day, I got married with kids and I blamed them, telling them they're the reason I sacrificed myself and didn't achieve what I wanted to do, what I wanted to be.
My friend said I was having a quarter life crisis, I thought I was.
Then, I started to be a little bit more serious about this thought of mine.
I took a short course of introduction to journalism. I didn't want to spend a lot of money in a part time course in something I wasn't sure. So I took a cheap one, short one, and as you can guess, cheap and high quality are mutually exclusive of each other, the course wasn't fantastic. But I learned that I have my limitations in this field. My language. My vocab. My grammar. They're all so messed up.
Journalism wasn't for me. But I was glad I tried, I even bought a book to improve vocabulary for daily practice. (And then I stopped....)
Then things sat around for a long time. I planned my wedding, I got married, we bought a house, we took care of the renovation, I got pregnant, I gave birth and I quitted.
When I finally got the rhythm of my daily life with my elder child. I started to play with food photography. I always like photography. I always travel with my DSLR. And before I had my children, I sometimes go for walks with my DSLR, just to snap and practice. As I was playing with food photography, I again realised my limitations.
Food photography needs a lot of set up. I don't have so much space for a set up at my small little home. My home is filled with toys, books, play yard etc. Besides, I need to prepare and learn food styling. Which was almost impossible!!! I only have a window of 1.5hour averagely to do cleaning, preparing the food, taking photographs, eating the food, cleaning up, showering. It's a mission impossible.
And so, I started to tuck my stuffs away again...
Then I was pregnant for the second time. During the pregnancy I had to spent 9 hours a week out of the house, waiting for my son to finish his class. During that time, I started to pick up hand lettering and drawing. And I realized, that's somethingI can do. I can do it for half an hour in the afternoon, and continue the rest at night, or tomorrow, or even after a week. I can work on it on computer. I can work on a minimal tools (a black brush pen and paper). I can do just drafting. I can.... Time can by easily planned. If I'm disturbed in the middle of my work, it's frustrating, but it's fine. I can continue.
|When I first started, the letters and spaces were very poorly planned. I didn't control the brush very well too!|
So now, I'm being one of the most greedy person in the world, trying to learn everything, doodle, hand lettering, watercolour, design on Illustrator. Reading bits and pieces, browsing Instagram and Pinterest.
I wish this time, this will really bring me somewhere I wanted to be. I promise myself I'll work for it.
Some time ago, I wrote in my personal diary (Yes, I still keep one even though I hardly wrote anything), 为不是妈妈的自己加油。