All I Want To Do With You

Practicing his walk

Life is never fair.

When we're young we're taught to be good, be kind, be helpful, be friendly, and good things will happen. A teaching of all the religions from different parts of the world. I'm not the best person you've ever met, but I'm not a bad one. I do my part as a daughter, as a wife, as a sister, as a friend, and as a mother, with all my hearts. I do my part as a resident on earth, to recycle, to keep places clean.

But good things and luck do actually run out of stock and they stop coming to you.

When I was pregnant, I've never want him to be the person to change the world, because it's enough for him to change mine.

I've just want him to be as normal as I am, reasonably happy and healthy life.

I've wanted to teach him what I like, taking photo, playing piano, drawing, reading. These may not make a living, but it keeps your life healthy.

I've wanted to teach him swimming because I want to go island holidays with him, to soak in the traffic of the little fishes. To be awed by the beauty of nature.

I've wanted to teach him to yoga because it's good for health.

I've wanted to teach him liking to exercise, because one day we will hike to see a snow capped mountain, or a volcano.

I've eaten healthy food, and enough exercise before and during my pregnancy. But no matter what you do, you can never predict what will happen.

It's a pain to turn on social media page and see all the friends and acquittances sharing what their children are doing at current stage. While looking at him, he's not speaking or walking. It's a pain in your heart that you'll never find a way or words to describe to anybody. And it's even painful everyday, as a mother, you suspect he's the special child.

No diagnosis can be done at this moment as he's too young. We have no definite answer, but we can help him by enrolling him in the early intervention program, getting him to be trained by professionals, for tasks as simple as walking and recognising objects. Things we take for granted.

As for me, I will have to learn to cope with all the feelings, learn to love myself more, help myself to feel worth.

I really hope whatever ramblings I have right now, will turn into jokes in years down the road, for being so negative and worry for nothing. I'd rather be a joke, than having his life turning upside down.

And one day, I'll do all the fun things with him.