We were telling them our horrible labour and my depressing breastfeeding. Yes, my breastfeeding journey wasn't the best to start with.
I cried several times during the first month. Because it hurts like hell when the breasts are engorged. Because it hurts even more when you try to remove the blockage. Because I never had sleep for more than three hours. And I was considered lucky among exclusively pumping mothers for a start. Because baby didn't start with every two hourly feeding, he probably has a better stomach space, so he started with three hourly. Every night, after feeding, I put him to sleep, and I pumped, and I washed and sanitized. By the time I go to bed, I only have another 1-2hours before another feeding.
Most of all, I was suffering because I was torn, between being a wonderfully good mother that provides breast milk no matter what the hell it takes, or to be a functioning human again. And I chose the first one. And it didn't do me very well emotionally.
"Should I stop pumping?" was the most frequently discussed question I had with The Man during the first month. After the first month, I still occasionally thought of stopping. For example like when I got small bumps around the breasts that were caused by bacteria infection. I can't even understand where those infections come from. And worst? The treatment is to put a super hot towel on the bumps and then apply the anti bacterial cream. As if it didn't hurt enough.
I wanted to stop when I have sore nipples. I wanted to stop when the skin flaked off around my nipples and breasts! I wanted to stop when all the veins are coming out... I wanted to stop so many times, but I did what other mothers will do, I continued.
All these ups and downs carried out for 6 months, when I finally declared, TIME TO PACK MY PUMPS! I gradually decreased the frequency of pumping, and finally, the supply came to a stop. Just days before our Amsterdam trip, just in time!
When I was in Amsterdam, I have already put my pain behind. I had coffee and beer like nobody business throughout the trip. I eat whatever I want, I drink whatever I want. I do not worry about how my breasts feel. I do not think of how much I produce. I do not worry if there's any nursing room...
I'm FREE! And I like it!
When we were talking about all these during the party, I realized I was so much more happier now compared to then. Life was okay when my parents are around to help. But when I was alone, I barely had any moments to stop. I have to cook to take care of myself, I have to take care of baby, I have to nurse him, I have to pump, I have to wash, I have to sanitize... And these just go on and on and on.
Now that I've stopped. I feel more relaxed, and I put more attention on my baby.
I'm not writing these to discourage anybody to stop breastfeeding. I'm not arguing the benefits of breastfeeding. What I am trying to tell here, is that breastfeeding doesn't come easy for everybody. It didn't just happen. It takes a lot of effort. Some lucky ones get to do it at ease, but some of them, like me, just can't.
And most of all, please do not tell the breastfeeding mothers that they're producing so little milk! For goodness sake, do you know how hard they work to get those? JUST.NEVER.EVER. I've received this kind of comments before, and it hurts.
And, don't judge a mother when she decided to stop breastfeeding or pumping. It's hard enough to make the decision, so please don't ever judge.
I never regret I pumped for the first six months. And I never regret that I've switched to formula milk fully too.
It's just part of our life that we need to make choices and sometimes, the choice may be different from the rest.
Make your choice, stay with it, and be happy with it.
Oh by the way, my life got better about one and a half months ago, when he learned how to hold his bottle.
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| My good boy holding his milk bottle! |
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