A Dark Place

I have bad thoughts, sometimes I sink into my dark place and think of all the things I admit might not even happen in my future, but I'm scared as hell.

I thought of how in years to come, I still have to handle my son's meltdown in the public. (Let's face it, this is going to happen)

I thought of possibly in my 80s (if I were well and strong), I still have to take care of my son. And if I really want to have a holiday, I have to bring him along.

I thought of possibly I were not as healthy as I hope to be, who's going to take care of him? Will he be bullied? Will someone actually torture him?

I thought of how I am not mentally strong to handle this on daily basis, and breakdown and eventually do something stupid and regretful.

I thought of many things, I fear for many things.

When your days repeat itself, to the point sometimes you don't know the exact date, it can be scary. Everyday I do the same thing, with sole purpose to keep my children well fed and well kept. There's almost nothing to look forward for the day, except the moments after they go to bed. And you know, the next day, you're going to wake up with the same shit.

You know how people condemn stay at home mom? Thinking we're so free to do our things? Sometimes I condemn myself too. I have this crazy shit guilt that when I have a little time to myself, I tell myself it's not right, I shouldn't be free. I should be busy because my husband is working his ass off at work to provide a life for all of us. I shouldn't be relaxing. I feel guilty for having a time to myself. I'm very f888ed up.

I'm 36 this year. I've achieved nothing in my life. I was merely an engineer when I resigned to stay home. It didn't seem like the job has any prospect if I stayed. And sometimes I think I might continue to rot in the place if I didn't resign.

But at the same time, look at what resignation brought me? Nothing I'm proud of. Some people told me, don't worry, you're great, you gave birth to two kids, you take good care of them etc etc.

My sole identity--MOTHER.

I'm 36, I'm struggling to keep my mental strength at the bay, and I'm struggling to have an identity and I don't even know how.

I can't admit this to anybody. How do you tell people you're having all this crazy shit in your mind? So yeah I have friends but I hardly discuss this.

I wrote it here because I know, nobody is reading blog anymore. Even if you do, what are you going to do? I bet not asking me how I am doing. Because you do not know what to do when it gets awkward. Nobody like this kind of conversation.

I keep going because I cannot leave my daughter. I can leave my son, I can leave my husband, I can't leave my daughter. She's the best thing in my daily life (apart from coffee). But if I were given a choice to start over knowing what's the end, will I ever have kids? No.