Have You Ever Thought of

Have you ever thought about the meaning of holding wake and funeral?
Do you really think the dead need them? Or you think the ones that stay alive need them more?
I think funerals are for the live. It's a closure to the family, it's time for the friends and relatives to show concern to those who needed them the most during the period of time.
To feel hopeful, to feel warm.
When everything's done and over, life goes on.

Have you ever thought about the what ifs when you die?
I did, a lot, since young. I wonder if my soul will leave the body.
I wonder if I will be mourned by my loved ones. And I wonder if I'd mourned for my own death, for not wanting to leave.
Now I am a mother myself, I wonder what will happen to my children. Who will take care of them? Will the care taker know their schedule? Or will the schedule changed to suit the new care taker?
Can my husband cope? Does he know how much my son is eating? How much sleep he needs? Who's going to take care of my husband? Who will remind him not to eat so much McD and eat more fruits?
Or maybe, should I assign a guardian for my children? In case both of us left. I always think the person should be my sister, I'm always sure she loves my children unconditionally.

Have you ever thought that fear of death is when you feel more alive?
If you care enough to know that, anything shitty thing could have happened one day too sudden to take your life away from you, you'll make sure you live every minute. And you'll make sure you do what you want to do. Because, heck, life is too fragile.

I have thought of all these, and I feel alive.