Part of The Journey (Part 1.1)

There were a couple of first for this week.

First, I attended my first counselling session. Then, I signed up for a parenting workshops for parents with special needs.

I have to be very honest that at the beginning I wasn't very sure if I should go even after I registered and got my space secured. The reason I signed up and the reason I tried to avoid going were actually contradicting.

The workshop was pretty well organized. While the parents were at the cafe, the kids were actually brought to a separate room, where volunteers planned out a whole lot of activities for them. Like story telling, art and craft, singing and dancing, and even a tea break for them.

It's a Saturday morning, that means I will be alone with my kids. The only reason that I can make it there was they have activities for kids and a group of full-of-love volunteers were caring for them. But it also became the reason I was afraid to go. At times my kids can be very attached to me, especially the younger one. So separated from me with a group of strangers might be too overwhelming for her.

But, the organizers were great. They did a little bit of background check, and found out that one of their teacher in childcare was actually volunteering! So they assigned my kids to her and the transition was as smooth as it can be.

Attending the workshop, is a new thing to me. And I'd say I am more amazed by the logistics and organization of the workshop than the content of sharing itself. How selfless are these people, to spend their weekends doing this for parents like me, just to reach out as an act of support.

As I shared with my friends after coming back from the workshop, I think attending the workshops do kinda put things in perspective for me. I realize I really don't have to keep so much anger in myself. Look at the people around, what they've done are truly amazing. One mom, she could actually joke about her son's condition like it's a normal ordeal. And one teenager, she's setting up support group for children who have special needs siblings.

How great are these people?

It's the passion after the workshop talking right now, but I think it's time that I have to slowly come out from my cave, eating myself into a true acceptance. And create more awareness.

My friends, they love me as they can but truly, without really went throught what I have, they actually do not understand how to react at times. So maybe, a small step would be share more with them. Awareness could start small, but it doesn't mean it's not important.

I'm glad I took two firsts this week. I acknowledge this to be lifelong, and I also acknowledge that there bound to be time I feel vulnerable and depressed, but there also times I feel pumped and passionate.

But nonetheless, I will survive.

The Journey (Part 1)

Again, I'm pretty sure nobody is reading, that's why I'm continuing here. Perhaps I should change the title of the blog, it is no longer about my photography hobby anyway...

After the weeks long of episodes of meltdowns by my son and myself, I finally made an appointment for myself at counselling center. Because it's getting clear that no matter what I did or did not do, my outburst of emotions did not improve. In fact, they got worse.

Funny as it is, even making a call seems to be a start of healing. Making a call seemed to be somewhat relieved, it's the first step I officiated this entire episode.

I went to the first session today. I was surprised by the overall coziness of the counselling center for a start. I guess the settings do help people to relax and talk more openly.

I've never been to any counselling session in my whole life. I did not know what to expect but I did know I will end up crying. Because open up yourself means facing your biggest pain. And also, while the counsellor puts things gently, with her soothing voice, it doesn't mean the reality is easy to take in.

She said, this reality will never change.

I laughed bitterly and told her, you're not comforting at all.

She encourages me on things I already knew, like continue pursuing of my dreams, because that helps in self worth and existential crisis in myself. And attend support groups, which I have had wrong perceptions about.

I am still considering about the support group, I guess I will.