不要压抑自己

压抑久了会爆发。

这个道理人人都知道。可是，我还是爆发了，因为我还是压抑了。

我还是不想称我儿子为特殊儿童，不过不得否认的，他非常大的可能，就是一个特殊儿童。我从完全不能接受，到渐渐的可以在好朋友的聊天当中公开的谈。从完全不想在部落写下，到现在我可以给自己做点记录。至于脸书吗？我想，我不会在那里写什么，那里有太多不是很熟但是很多话说的人。

他不说话，他不懂得表达，他不会走路，他害怕跌倒，他很多不明白的事，他……这是一个让人心抽痛的表白。

是不是我哪里照顾不当？可能什么方面做错了？还是，怀孕的时候怎么了？我尽量不要想，但是问题总是会自己浮现。男人劝我不要给太大的期望，就做好本分就是，就尽量帮他就是。有进展是好事，没进展我们也已经尽力。

我企图说服自己，可是总会一不小心就掉进自责自问自卑的谷底。

男人工作辛苦，一人当家，新加坡消费不小，再加上孩子上学的费用，每天拼搏12-13个小时。男人拼搏，而我也很寂寞。每天12-13个小时，面对一个不说话的孩子。有寂寞，有无奈，有心酸，有无助，有压力，有累……当然，也有欢乐，孩子毕竟很可爱。孩子很爱我，常常靠过来。我生病的时候，不明白的他，只能够静静的靠在我腿上。妈妈真的乏力，也只好这样靠着。

曾经一度，在我最绝望的时候，我曾经幻想收拾行李离开。到一个我喜欢的城市，重新开始。我甚至盘算，如果我一走了之，当然会成为千古罪人，不过双方父母肯定会爱孙心切而帮助男人照料孩子。不过，你看孩子，你再想老公的辛苦，走了对他们很不公平，就留下了。这时我自己觉得心里最黑暗的秘密，说出来感觉好一点。

现在肚子里怀着第二胎，我要提醒自己，不可以总是想着大儿子的这个那个，而忽略了她。我还是吃的很好，没法像以前那样运动，就是心态偶尔上上下下，让人担心。所以我在学Typography，那是我一直想学的事。在我努力学习的时候，我暂时忘记一些事。

你知道这一路最幸运的是什么吗？这一路，男人、双方父母、双方兄弟姐妹、亲戚朋友，从来没有一句质疑我的话，从来没有。他们给孩子无私的爱，孩子回家总是很开心。真的，家人最好。

辛苦吗？很辛苦。不过，我会好好的。

有位好朋友常常会用这句话劝我，很受用，我也提醒自己。

Feed The Mommy——猪肉番茄蛋花汤面

今早6点多钟，小瓜因为咳嗽而起身，之后就不愿意睡觉（是不是知道今天是老爸的生日呢？）屡劝不听之后，我没办法只好泡奶给他，任他在床上滚来滚去，然后把他抓去饭厅陪我吃早餐。

吃早餐得意的样子

起得早，人很快就累了。还没到中午小瓜就睡着了！我差点开香槟庆祝！赶紧洗澡、洗衣服、煮午餐。早餐没得自己一人吃，午餐趁他睡觉快快吃！

热腾腾的一碗面，很幸福的

由于再多两天就回家了，我这周托男人采购的材料是越简单越好。不想吃不完，不想浪费。今天就吃面条吧～（其实今明都吃面条！！！！）

材料（一人份）：

1. 鸡蛋一颗
2. 番茄半颗
3. 猪肉五六片（随你喜欢）
4. 青菜（我选小白菜）
5. 少许姜
6. 面条（我选兰州拉面，阳春面也应该很合适）
7. 少许盐
8. 薯粉半茶匙
9. 酱油
10. 鸡汤（optional)

做法：

1. 现将猪肉切片，然后用点酱油和薯粉腌制。可以的话就腌制半小时左右。
2. 这时可以先煮面条，依据包装上的指示煮，不过可以少煮一分钟。比如包装上说5分钟，那就煮4分钟好了。捞起过冷河，避免过熟。
3. 热锅，爆香姜片，然后猪肉下锅。翻炒大约7、8分熟，起锅备用。
4. 打入鸡蛋，翻炒至半分熟，起锅备用。
5. 加油热锅，把番茄用稍大的火炒。我本人喜欢炒烂一点点，这样容易入味。
6. 把猪肉和鸡蛋回锅，加鸡汤。如果没有鸡汤，滚水也可以。如用滚水，也可以用鸡精块调味。
7. 汤滚后，加入青菜。稍滚烫就可以。然后加入已煮好的面条一分钟。试一试汤的味道是否需要再调味。
8. 起锅，慢用～

很简单，很快，很好吃，有营养～

今晚，明晚，还是吃这道，才能把材料都给吃完～～～

差别太大了！

生过两胎的朋友都告诉我，第一胎和第二胎的感觉差很多。

我不明白到底差多远。现在，我怀孕已经15周。真的，差好多。

第一胎，发现自己的月经没来的时候，是非常着急的。很紧张，验了几支验孕棒都不敢相信自己（很贵的咯！），还马上看医生（真的是马上！）。
第二胎，好像迟了，买两支验孕棒。连续验了两天，证实怀孕。很镇定的过每一天的生活，有时间才打电话给医生。

第一胎，拍照拍照拍照，从肚子小小的时候就拍啊拍啊，到40周！看自己的变化。
第二胎，到现在都没有拍过一张！

第一胎，读书，下载app，每周追踪最新的胎儿状况。很清楚的记得每一天是几周又几天。
第二胎，书本啊，偶尔看看。记得几周都偷笑了，最重要是记得EDD就好。

第一胎，爸爸回来摸肚子，和孩子说话。
第二胎，爸爸回来，儿子睡了，我们赶快做家事，上网，看电视……然后睡觉……

只能说，第一胎的时候，我太得空了。虽然有工作，下班回来就是自己的时间。有时间想，有时间计划，有时间拍照啊，想东想西的。

现在，晚上连洗澡的时间都没有。有时候上个大号我的儿子在厕所外面等我！吃完早餐，准备午餐的食材，吃完午餐，准备晚餐的食材。一周洗五趟的衣服，每天要吸尘，还要负责儿子的吃喝拉撒……睁开眼睛到闭上眼睛，所有精力都用完了！第二胎在肚子里了就默默的被忽略……哎！

不行不行，至少该给她多一点时间。

要提醒自己！

I Love Breakfast

Some of my breakfast

I love breakfast. Breakfast is simple, breakfast is something I look forward when I wake up, especially when I'm tired. I used to LOVEEEEEEE my coffee, the convenience of my Nespresso, but that has to wait for a while now.

My breakfast used to be bread and coffee, either at cafeteria/kopitiam with colleagues, or on my own desk. It's either eaten in a rush, or it's eaten together with emails and work (Sometimes in silent mode during a teleconference!), and I didn't get to taste the food, at all.

After resigning from work, taking care of my son full time. Breakfast is the best time of my everyday (if I wake up early enough to have one). There was a friend commented that I am so free that I can make such delicious breakfast.

Pardon me, free? Are you serious?? Come on man, think again!

My son sleeps very late, typical night owl and wakes up very late everyday. Sometimes The Man and I have breakfast together, and I continue having my "happy hour" after he leaves for work. Sometimes he had breakfast first, while I'm cooking myself a sumptuous breakfast. Taking my own sweet time because seriously, this one to two hours is very precious!

Another reason I shall enjoy my breakfast to the fullest, is I never know what time is my lunch :P

I wonder what life will be when second one comes along. Oh well...

New Obsession, New Life

I realised I've been missing from my blog for entire August. Was I that busy? I think It's probably a combination of busy, tired, new obsession that come all together.

My little boy has started to go to school. Well, going to school is a nicer and more grown up term we use on him. He's actually enrolled in early intervention, to address the issue of his delay development in a few areas.

Having him in intervention helps both of us. He's happy and improving. And at the same time, part of the burden on my shoulders are passed on to the centre. I've felt less depressing since his enrolment. And I need that. Before we could settle him in any centre, I cried a lot. I worry myself sick. I was almost depressed. I was in pretty bad shape. But seeing him happily involving in activities in the centre, and improving within a month, I feel more at ease now. I believe he can do it, he's just taking his time.

Some of my lettering practice

I stay around the area to wait for him to end the sessions. Three hours is not long enough to go back and forth, so staying is the only option. I would find cafes to sit down (and NOT DRINKING COFFEE!!!) and start to draw, hand lettering, read etc. I can't believe it, but I actually have plenty to do. Lettering is my current obsession. I've been into typefaces since I took up the online course of Typography. I spent $12 on four lettering pens this week, and since then, I've been lettering non stop whenever I have time. That keeps me away from my computer a lot. I am still pretty shitty in that, but I think I'm improving, like my son :)

If you notice the top left corner of the picture above, it says "It's a girl". Part of the reason I feel lethargic is that I'm carrying a new life. I'm already in second trimester, time flies! It really does! Scary! Little girl already has a name, and little girl is growing up in my belly. With the Zika virus around, we've been cutting off from all outdoor activities, no night time outing, and repellent repellent repellent! Better be safe that sorry, so we've been staying in a lot. We've become otaku! We do :P

That pretty much sums up my life currently. Busy? Yes. Tired? Yes. Am I feeling alright? Checked. I'm all okay.

Just keep swimming.