轰轰烈烈以后

五个女人的美腿

搁着搁着，部落就这样被搁着一段时间。回家过年，一过就过了三个星期；还没有平伏过年的气氛，再去一趟台湾。

时间就在一场又一场的轰轰烈烈中度过。

现在，一切恢复平静。孩子睡了，整间家里，只有电脑和电风扇的声音。

这趟台湾之旅，来的不容易，要配合五个女人忙碌的时间真不简单。况且，抛夫弃子都得做适当的安排。一个下午通了700多封简讯以后，才得到一个大家可以出游的日子。



















旅行之时，我们都在幻想下一次该一起到哪儿去？不过，也不知道究竟下一次是几时？明年？后年？还是庆祝25周年之时？

时间到了，自然有答案。就等天时地利人和！

当时在外澳，我稍稍落后看着这一幕。心里有点抽着的感动，这感觉和以前简直是一模一样。这样的友谊，二十年了，还各分东西了这么久，原来感觉是不会变的。以后我们老了，也是一样这样旅行吧！

男人

下班回家，把宝宝牢牢抱着的爸爸

孩子是这样被宠坏的。平时因为工作时间长，男人在家的时间少，很少和宝宝亲子乐。所以下班回家，就把宝宝牢牢抱着。抱着他入睡，才把他放上床。结果，可苦了我和妈妈，大白天男人不在的时候，宝宝也讨抱，我们累得⋯⋯

我的生产过程非常不容易。周一一大早入院催生，催了一整天都没有结果，我还去医院旁的商场逛逛。周二再继续催，早上好几个小时都没有动静。我们就干脆一点，跟医生说，这个再不行我们就开刀吧。不知是否听见开刀吓坏了肚子里的宝宝，没两下就开始阵痛。

心想这下可好了，快生了。但天不从人愿，我的阵痛维持了10个小时，才好不容易等到可以开始push的时候。

我真不知道没有epidural怎么生孩子。到三公分的时候，我已经痛到想死。和护士说我要epidural。但是，产房不够，再加上麻醉医师太忙（同一天总共有七个宝宝出世），我苦苦疼了一个小时以后，麻醉医师才终于出现。打了针以后，我真觉得那是伟大的发明，我竟然可以睡去。还有办法和朋友用whatsapp聊天，向他们报告最新状况。

到了晚上9点，我终于都dilate了10公分。医生把麻醉药减低，好让我push的时候，可以感觉得到。不过，不知道是麻醉药太厉害，还是我的阵痛因为催生药的减去而渐渐失效，抑或是我太累了，我feel不到。结果，我总共push了两个小时，医生在最后关头也没法子，叫更多医生和护士进来帮忙。我的孩子，是护士用力从我肚子推出来的！

生完孩子以后，麻醉药的side effect再加上太累，我整整吐了三次。吐出来的，都是深青色的胃酸。(e_e)

从周一开始到终于把孩子生出来的整个过程，男人都陪伴在身边。除了吃饭时间，我都叫他出去走走吧，慢慢吃了再回来。在我开始阵痛的时候，男人负责帮我按摩，伸出双手让我抓着，弄些好笑的让我转移目标等⋯⋯打麻醉药的时候，也抱着我让麻醉医师可以准确的把麻醉针打下去（不然终生下半生麻醉就惨了）。Push的时候，他也不畏惧那血淋淋的场面，和医生护士们一起帮我把孩子生下。回到家里了，也是男人每天帮我敷药才上班。

整个过程，我也看得出男人的担忧。担心宝宝出了什么问题。也看得出他的心疼。

虽说，生产过程最伟大的还是妈妈（自夸！），爸爸这个角色也少不了。如果不是男人全程陪伴，全程鼓励，我真担心自己熬不过来。

各位男人啊，如果你是准爸爸，记得记得，不管你有多怕，尽可能都陪老婆进产房。老婆比你怕，比你痛，你应该进取鼓励鼓励她！就像我家里的男人。

Love of My Life

Saw some drafts stuck in there forever and not being published. Decided to clear them up and stumbled upon this.
It's been 3 years since I wrote this, but the content is still relevant till today.



Being constantly away from home, for the past 8 years (I found this post stuck in draft since year 2011, it's 11years now), I've never know how not to be home sick.

I have never lived out of the fear, that one day something happened at home, I am always the last one to know. I am always the last one to reach. I am always the last one.

I always wish to be there. But I always missed. The birthdays. The examination stresses. The fun and parties. The celebration. The problems and hiccups.

Sometimes I do wonder, why am I doing here so far away from home? Is my work and career here particularly important? Is this so significant that I can't leave? Will I be regret one day?

I know I do not have the answer for myself now.

But I always want them to know, I love them.

They are the love of my life.

My Own Food Therapy

I wasn't having my best week.

The only feeling I had this morning, was "Thank goodness it's Friday!".

I don't normally feel this because I had a tough week. I normally ONLY have the TGIF feeling because I had something interesting and exciting in the weekends.

I don't normally have XXX-day Blues because of what I have to face, but only the crowd I have to face in the trains and buses.

But this week, I had it all.

I don't normally cry because what I had in work. But after taken all the craps for a week, I decided to let go of myself. I found it silly. This was only the second time I broke down over four and a half years. The first time, I was a witness of an lab accident.

I don't like this.

The only thing I wanted after work, was to come back and cook myself a dinner. Created a pasta for myself, with anything I can find in my fridge. It turned out good, but needed improvement in seasoning, maybe I'll share next time.

Then, I made myself a coffee, to go with my chocolate bites.


And go with Modern Family, and teared to the touching scenes.


My therapy.

留下什么？

旅行前，你为自己定下个大蓝图，细节走一步看一步，可能途中你遇上有趣的地方，决定逗留；可能你不喜欢某个地方的风俗，因此决定提早离开。随心所欲。

不管是喜欢抑或是讨厌，安全回家，每个地方还是有她值得回味的价值。我肯定地说，每个地方肯定为你留下一些，或淡或浓，总有一些。

朋友也一样，有些一直留在身边，陪你又笑又哭；有些提早离场，留下了回忆。有些回忆被践踏过，有些回忆被珍藏。

我不知道我为你留下了什么，你留下的，肯定是珍藏。

默默

。









。









。










一些默默的事情
只会在它消失以后
才有人发现
默默
默默
以前存在过

属于妈妈的

每次回家，都是一味地吃。好像前世没得吃，今世来讨饭的样子。在我的字典里，美食就是属于妈妈的。

今次回家，妈妈煮了我很久没吃的nasi lemak，乐得我！！




还有洋姨丈说的这道“家传秘方”的炸肉圆。姨丈爱煞这肉圆，常常告诉外婆妈妈阿姨们，这道菜不可外传。呵呵！



人家说慈母多败儿不是没有道理。妈妈一手好厨艺，我只会把所有食材扔进锅里。随随便便吃一顿不会毒死人的一餐即可。哈哈哈。

能回家吃饭真幸福。每次从新加坡回家，我就想到很久以前电视上的一个香米的广告：“返屋企食饭！”

我对风筝的回忆

我对风筝的回忆，就是大表哥，还有二姑在Kampong Telok的家。

我的童年在怡保，Ipoh Garden的大马路旁。户外活动一直很受限制，大部分的活动都在后巷。就连骑摩托车的小贩，都是在后巷的。家庭主妇谈天说地，也在后巷。所以，我六岁以前的回忆，都围绕在那热热闹闹的后巷。除了，当我们探访二姑。

Kampong Telok那间屋子，就是我童年回忆唯一的乡下回忆。我在那里学会抓各式各样的昆虫、捉蜘蛛来打架、玩表哥自制的枪、玩mamasak真的切起“菜”来，还有放风筝。

以前的风筝哪有象现在一样花花绿绿的。以前表哥弄风筝，都是就地取材，简简单单弄个传统的风筝便是。这样，就很心满意足了。

我也记不起我是怎么把风筝飞上天。大概，我从来没有真正成功过。都是表哥堂哥放上去了，把线交给我保管就是。至于我保管的当儿，风筝有没有断了飞了，我就记不起来了。

对于Kite Festival，我已经想去两年了。好像都碰上下雨天，就没去成。而今年，一去去了两天（报仇？）。一天是拍拖拍照去，另一天是带美国来的的同事去走走看看。去看看小孩子们放风筝的奇模怪样，去回忆回忆我的童年。


































你呢？你对风筝有些什么回忆？

可能，有一点

我忘了是谁曾经说，我的照片看起来很寂寞。

是不是因为我总是爱拍自己的影子？抑或是照片总是黑白照？抑或是，我真的是寂寞的人。

不知在那里看过，心里有爱，会更寂寞。是吗？


我习惯孤单上路。有时候，这是一种选择。可是路程的尽头，我知道，总有人在等我 :)



在Corvallis的最后一个晚上，我自己一个人在镇里晃来晃去，难得的清静并不长久，快失去了就特别珍惜。

Reflects

I like my alone time. I can walk aimlessly, I can think of things, I reflect, I daydream, I don't care.

And I walk my pace, which is, so slow nobody can "keep up".







The worst thing to be alone, is things that you've done in the past came back to you. Be it good or bad.

They are like shadows that haunt you. They're images in different part of the brain, they came out at the right time, to remind you of something.




So I chose, to let the memories hang in there. Be it good or bad.

They can serve me a lesson, that I might repeatedly need. Who knows?

Torn vs. Broken

What is the difference between broken apart and torn apart?

When you're broken, things just fall apart. They're everywhere, they're beyond mend. You hurt, if you touch them.

When you're torn, you try your best to hold things with the super glue in you. They're in tact. But you often wonder how long can the super glue works. Does it degrade over time? But you know it has to, because when it doesn't, you're not the only one who get hurt.

Torn is in the progress of broken. But you can prevent it from happening.

我在美国的日子

美国和此地，15个小时的时差。一直以来，我俩分开旅行，也从来没有通电。

但是，自从买了两个烂苹果，通话变成方便的事。只要酒店有wifi，就可以免费通电。不过当然，两周下来，我们只不过通了三次吧。谁奈何得了那15个小时的时差？不是他想睡觉，就是我睡着了。

这个画面，在我俩在一起八年从来没有出现过。所以，我拍了下来。

哈哈。

乘着轻舟

朝辞白帝彩云间，千里江陵一日还。
两岸猿声啼不住，轻舟已过万重山。

我乘着我的轻舟，一晃眼，2010年都快过去了。
是快乐的。

可是，除了快乐，我还要点什么？

Tuesday Thought

在茫茫的世界里，应该如何变得出色？当我走着大家走着的路，我和大家有什么不同？

想起陈奕迅《浮夸》里的歌词

“似木头 似石头 的话 得到注意吗 ”

我，能够为我自己做什么？
我，能够如何把自己突出？

相伴

陪伴是件很奇怪的事情，多了嫌它烦，少了嫌寂寞。好似从来没有人可以找到平衡点。

走在一起已经七年，陪伴和爱情变成分不清楚的界限。热恋时期，陪伴是牛排；久了，陪伴变青菜。年轻的时候，想要轰轰烈烈，想要天天“锯扒”，觉得那样才浪漫，才是爱情。老了虽然不至于天天吃青菜，可是牙齿坏了吃不了这么多牛排。

爸爸说，人老了就会发现，老伴最重要。孩子总有成家立业的一天，事业总有画上休止符的一天，留下的，就是两老相伴。

我们的爱情和陪伴，已经模糊不成型。我没有天天“锯扒”的奢侈，也无法承受青菜的单调，可一路学来的调味，总过得还可以。

平平淡淡就可以。

What's Ahead?

How to hold the world upon one's hand?

Is it by miniaturizing the world surroundings you? Or is it by enlarging your self to fit into the world?

I have a lot of dreams like anybody else. But when I look around, I realized the majority of dreams in the city, remain as a dream. This sad truth could either come from the lack of realization process, or lack of luck.

Sometimes when I sat in my comfort zone, slacking my own dreams away, it did hit me hard that if I keep sitting on my clouds of dreams, they will, remain dreams forever. And when I grow older, I turn the regrets into the stress on the children I have, just like how the society works these days.



I don't want to wake up one day and realize I'm holding something so blurry, which I myself had no idea what I'm holding so tight. Worse, the world on my hand is completely upside down.

I'm in my quest to look for a crystal, to view the world in complete clarity.

My Singapore Blog Awards Experience

On my way to St. James

I have to tell you honestly, I am relief that the blog awards is finally over.

It is something that I've been looking forward, I didn't win the award, but still this is a nice experience. An entire new experience that I've never had before. The award for photography category went to Hendra, whom really takes superbly nice photos!

I achieved what I intended to when I registered for the competition, which is to reach more readers that I have originally had. Winning or not, I've already made some new friends on the line. I will not stop my photography blog, and I shall continue with the daily scribble. (Things at our flat had been in a mess, not a lot of chance to do my daily scribble)

And I know, I'm still relatively a shy person. I'm not an introvert person, but neither am I a very extrovert person. I didn't make a lot of new friends during the event, but I'm really thankful that Yee Hau had kept me accompanied for the entire event.


Taken by event photographer



Free Tiger Beer during the event


I was "paparazzi spotted" by Alvin, but I chicken out at the end of the event. When the emcee was introducing Steven Lim, one of the participants of "Modelling Showcase", I really felt that I have to chicken out, I can't make myself catwalk on the stage, neither can I make myself walking in the room and asking for votes on my outfit.

I knew chicken out is not the best solution, sorry Alvin, but I really can't put myself up there. But thank you for sticking that paparazzi spotted sticker for me, it's really an honour :)
-Not to forget my "fashion advisor"--Kia Hooi, Hui Nee, Sock Hoai and Sheena, thank you girls!

Nonetheless, I would very much like to thank all my family, relatives, Yee Hau, friends, colleagues and readers who have been supporting me! It has been a wonderful experience for me :D

生活，原本就是一种美学

今天不经意地和朋友谈起梦想、将来、计划、实现⋯⋯我称这些为Quarter Life Crisis。是的，每个人到了某个年龄阶段，就会有不同的烦恼。有些人为了烦恼，变得更烦恼；有些人把烦恼，当成一种挑战；有些人把烦恼，往脑后一抛又过着开心的一天。

我本身比较偏向最后一类。有时候我觉得，我属于比较迟钝单纯类，脑袋简单，就不见得有什么不开心的。傻人有傻福，大概就是这个意思。

谈天以后，我一直在想，是什么让我这么开心？我想了良久，我觉得，应该是我的“Life is beautiful”帮了不少忙。

当初拥有第一架相机以后，我学习着捕捉人生走走停停的脚印，也学习用相机的角度看环境。是的，自从那架Olympus FE－5500后，我把环境框成相片，想象如果把它们拍下来的样子。这个习惯，让我走路慢了下来、让我对环境更敏锐、让我更仔细观察人面部上的表情、让我经常不经意的微笑。因为，一切太美了。

曾经的某个早上，我乘坐在巴士上，早晨的阳光透过树上的叶子，闪闪烁烁的洒在我脸上。我当时想，这么美丽，现在死去太可惜。

我一直相信命运有眼睛，如果他可以看见我们很努力的生活，如果他可以看见我们为了梦想发奋，不浪费生命，他会让我们留下来，直到我们达到目的为止。我对自己的这一套深信不疑，所以，我一直敢梦。

生命，原本就是一种美学。如果你可以看见所有琐碎的美丽，你会更努力的活的更好，一秒都不浪费。上图的花朵，被摘下来都一周了，还是灿烂的，我们凭什么浪费我们的生命？

我以前不敢定目标，定下了做不到太愚蠢。后来我惊觉，定下来的目标，不代表就一定要100％达到。偶尔路途上，你有更新的领悟，改变了初衷，也无所谓。美，就在于你肯梦、肯做，沿途上一切都是为了更美好的终点。

生命，原本就是一种美学。