Part of The Journey (Part 1.1)

There were a couple of first for this week.

First, I attended my first counselling session. Then, I signed up for a parenting workshops for parents with special needs.

I have to be very honest that at the beginning I wasn't very sure if I should go even after I registered and got my space secured. The reason I signed up and the reason I tried to avoid going were actually contradicting.

The workshop was pretty well organized. While the parents were at the cafe, the kids were actually brought to a separate room, where volunteers planned out a whole lot of activities for them. Like story telling, art and craft, singing and dancing, and even a tea break for them.

It's a Saturday morning, that means I will be alone with my kids. The only reason that I can make it there was they have activities for kids and a group of full-of-love volunteers were caring for them. But it also became the reason I was afraid to go. At times my kids can be very attached to me, especially the younger one. So separated from me with a group of strangers might be too overwhelming for her.

But, the organizers were great. They did a little bit of background check, and found out that one of their teacher in childcare was actually volunteering! So they assigned my kids to her and the transition was as smooth as it can be.

Attending the workshop, is a new thing to me. And I'd say I am more amazed by the logistics and organization of the workshop than the content of sharing itself. How selfless are these people, to spend their weekends doing this for parents like me, just to reach out as an act of support.

As I shared with my friends after coming back from the workshop, I think attending the workshops do kinda put things in perspective for me. I realize I really don't have to keep so much anger in myself. Look at the people around, what they've done are truly amazing. One mom, she could actually joke about her son's condition like it's a normal ordeal. And one teenager, she's setting up support group for children who have special needs siblings.

How great are these people?

It's the passion after the workshop talking right now, but I think it's time that I have to slowly come out from my cave, eating myself into a true acceptance. And create more awareness.

My friends, they love me as they can but truly, without really went throught what I have, they actually do not understand how to react at times. So maybe, a small step would be share more with them. Awareness could start small, but it doesn't mean it's not important.

I'm glad I took two firsts this week. I acknowledge this to be lifelong, and I also acknowledge that there bound to be time I feel vulnerable and depressed, but there also times I feel pumped and passionate.

But nonetheless, I will survive.

The Journey (Part 1)

Again, I'm pretty sure nobody is reading, that's why I'm continuing here. Perhaps I should change the title of the blog, it is no longer about my photography hobby anyway...

After the weeks long of episodes of meltdowns by my son and myself, I finally made an appointment for myself at counselling center. Because it's getting clear that no matter what I did or did not do, my outburst of emotions did not improve. In fact, they got worse.

Funny as it is, even making a call seems to be a start of healing. Making a call seemed to be somewhat relieved, it's the first step I officiated this entire episode.

I went to the first session today. I was surprised by the overall coziness of the counselling center for a start. I guess the settings do help people to relax and talk more openly.

I've never been to any counselling session in my whole life. I did not know what to expect but I did know I will end up crying. Because open up yourself means facing your biggest pain. And also, while the counsellor puts things gently, with her soothing voice, it doesn't mean the reality is easy to take in.

She said, this reality will never change.

I laughed bitterly and told her, you're not comforting at all.

She encourages me on things I already knew, like continue pursuing of my dreams, because that helps in self worth and existential crisis in myself. And attend support groups, which I have had wrong perceptions about.

I am still considering about the support group, I guess I will.

A Dark Place

I have bad thoughts, sometimes I sink into my dark place and think of all the things I admit might not even happen in my future, but I'm scared as hell.

I thought of how in years to come, I still have to handle my son's meltdown in the public. (Let's face it, this is going to happen)

I thought of possibly in my 80s (if I were well and strong), I still have to take care of my son. And if I really want to have a holiday, I have to bring him along.

I thought of possibly I were not as healthy as I hope to be, who's going to take care of him? Will he be bullied? Will someone actually torture him?

I thought of how I am not mentally strong to handle this on daily basis, and breakdown and eventually do something stupid and regretful.

I thought of many things, I fear for many things.

When your days repeat itself, to the point sometimes you don't know the exact date, it can be scary. Everyday I do the same thing, with sole purpose to keep my children well fed and well kept. There's almost nothing to look forward for the day, except the moments after they go to bed. And you know, the next day, you're going to wake up with the same shit.

You know how people condemn stay at home mom? Thinking we're so free to do our things? Sometimes I condemn myself too. I have this crazy shit guilt that when I have a little time to myself, I tell myself it's not right, I shouldn't be free. I should be busy because my husband is working his ass off at work to provide a life for all of us. I shouldn't be relaxing. I feel guilty for having a time to myself. I'm very f888ed up.

I'm 36 this year. I've achieved nothing in my life. I was merely an engineer when I resigned to stay home. It didn't seem like the job has any prospect if I stayed. And sometimes I think I might continue to rot in the place if I didn't resign.

But at the same time, look at what resignation brought me? Nothing I'm proud of. Some people told me, don't worry, you're great, you gave birth to two kids, you take good care of them etc etc.

My sole identity--MOTHER.

I'm 36, I'm struggling to keep my mental strength at the bay, and I'm struggling to have an identity and I don't even know how.

I can't admit this to anybody. How do you tell people you're having all this crazy shit in your mind? So yeah I have friends but I hardly discuss this.

I wrote it here because I know, nobody is reading blog anymore. Even if you do, what are you going to do? I bet not asking me how I am doing. Because you do not know what to do when it gets awkward. Nobody like this kind of conversation.

I keep going because I cannot leave my daughter. I can leave my son, I can leave my husband, I can't leave my daughter. She's the best thing in my daily life (apart from coffee). But if I were given a choice to start over knowing what's the end, will I ever have kids? No.

The Californian Redwoods at Otways

Haven't been writing anything for more than a year. However, I decided to log in to my blog because of this Californian Redwoods.

Before I tried to do any homework for the trip, I thought all we'd do are endless oceans and beaches and capes. But as I read more and more, I realised there are more than ocean to that Great Ocean Road. There are forest, national parks and waterfalls.

And then, I stumbled upon photos of redwoods forest. Then I was hooked. Very hooked. However, I had my concerns too because I was bringing my two very young kids and I wasn't sure what was there to expect.

So I tried to find blogs, vlogs, official site of Great Ocean Road etc, but information given was mostly very basic and brief. I left a few comments here and there on Youtube videos, and PM certain accounts which showed they've recently been there. But only one very kind person reached back to put me at ease.

So, here I am to write some information about this very beautiful forest.

Tips:

1. Plan to go in the morning, when it's bright. The road to redwoods forest is winding, and the last 15-20 mins of the journey is gravel, so do plan to do this in the morning for your own safety.
2. While four wheel drive is not required, it's a good to have.
3. It's about 40 mins drive from Apollo Bay
4. You can plan it with Twelve Apostles if you depart from Apollo Bay (or Marengo Bay for us) in the morning.
   Our initial plan was to take Binns Road to the forest in the morning, and then continue with Binns Road and Beech Forest Mount Sabine Road (C159) to Twelve Apostles.
   (Note: We didn't do it as plan because the weather wasn't on our side, so we actually did a return trip of Redwoods Forest to Apollo Bay on our last day and continued our journey back to Melbourne.)
   If you do take this route Apollo Bay-Redwoods Forest-C159-Twelve Apostles, do make sure you have packed simple lunches for yourself. The only stop that might have food is Princetown. (Do your research before you go!)
5. The GPS in the forest disconnects easily. So do save the route in your mobile phone so that it's available offline. Save yourself from being panic
6. Try not to go if it's raining or it has been raining a lot prior to the day you plan to visit.
7. You can also make a turn to Hopetoun Falls, we didn't do it because time was tight.
8. Drive slowly, you might spot a wild koala crossing the road! Like we did =)

Hope you enjoy this place as much as we did. You'll find a lot of peace in the forest. When we were there, at one time there were only max 5 cars of tourists. So it's quiet and serene. 

Beyond The Overloaded Cuteness

Her cuteness is just overwhelming!

I spent a lot more time with my second child than any other human being in this world. I teach her everything she's interested in, I spend my time making sure she runs around, mess around as much as she likes. I try my best to make sure she has a happy childhood, and not a lonely one.

Sometimes I watch her sleep, and I told myself I'm such a lucky mother to have her. Before her, I was a mess. I spent a lot of time having emotional roller coasters, crying and stressing over how I should handle my first child and what future is like for him.

When I was carrying her, I made sure my emotion was as stable as it could be. I didn't want to cause her any damage from the starting line. And now that she's communicating in her baby way, I no longer feel that I am talking to the wall the whole day. I am finally getting responses, even though not from both kids.

Sometimes I feel worried for her, does she feel lonely when the big brother doesn't want to play with her? Did I put too much invisible stress on her for hoping that she will be the one who leads the big brother for more and better progress? Do I sometimes neglect her needs of being a small baby for more cuddling and pampering because I have to focus on the elder one?

I find it hard to find a balance. On one hand, I am afraid of putting on too much attention playing with her and neglect the non communicating brother. On another hand, I am afraid that I give in to the brother more often than her, that will result her to feel neglected. And often, I fall in the the pit we call "mom guilt" and it sucks.

Beyond this cuteness, I'm always worried if anything I do or did wrongly would damage her one way or another. And most of all, sometimes I have a strong feeling that, I cannot lose this child. She is the most important thing to me.

Over The Years

It's been a while since I blog, and sometimes I wonder who are still blogging. With so much social media, blogging is hardly a thing anymore.

But I still want to keep my blog, I take it as a public diary. A record of my growth.

And today, I want to record a little about myself.

When I was single, no kids, when I was an engineer, I had this thought that bothered me a lot. Was I going to be in this job forever? I didn't hate my job (I might hate some of aspects of the jobs, and.... some people??!!), but since a long time ago I always wanted to have a job, that I could wake up, cracking up work in my pajamas and a hot cup of coffee at my own dining table.

Engineer, was not the answer for me.

But I was lazy, I procrastinate(d), I was too comfortable in my job, I put the thought at the corner of my mind. Only examined it occasionally, not enough to start an engine to push myself.

So the thought sat for a while.

Then one day, I told my friend I was afraid. What if one day, I got married with kids and I blamed them, telling them they're the reason I sacrificed myself and didn't achieve what I wanted to do, what I wanted to be.

My friend said I was having a quarter life crisis, I thought I was.

Then, I started to be a little bit more serious about this thought of mine.

I took a short course of introduction to journalism. I didn't want to spend a lot of money in a part time course in something I wasn't sure. So I took a cheap one, short one, and as you can guess, cheap and high quality are mutually exclusive of each other, the course wasn't fantastic. But I learned that I have my limitations in this field. My language. My vocab. My grammar. They're all so messed up.

Journalism wasn't for me. But I was glad I tried, I even bought a book to improve vocabulary for daily practice. (And then I stopped....)

Then things sat around for a long time. I planned my wedding, I got married, we bought a house, we took care of the renovation, I got pregnant, I gave birth and I quitted.

When I finally got the rhythm of my daily life with my elder child. I started to play with food photography. I always like photography. I always travel with my DSLR. And before I had my children, I sometimes go for walks with my DSLR, just to snap and practice. As I was playing with food photography, I again realised my limitations.

Food photography needs a lot of set up. I don't have so much space for a set up at my small little home. My home is filled with toys, books, play yard etc. Besides, I need to prepare and learn food styling. Which was almost impossible!!! I only have a window of 1.5hour averagely to do cleaning, preparing the food, taking photographs, eating the food, cleaning up, showering. It's a mission impossible.

And so, I started to tuck my stuffs away again...

Then I was pregnant for the second time. During the pregnancy I had to spent 9 hours a week out of the house, waiting for my son to finish his class. During that time, I started to pick up hand lettering and drawing. And I realized, that's somethingI can do. I can do it for half an hour in the afternoon, and continue the rest at night, or tomorrow, or even after a week. I can work on it on computer. I can work on a minimal tools (a black brush pen and paper). I can do just drafting. I can.... Time can by easily planned. If I'm disturbed in the middle of my work, it's frustrating, but it's fine. I can continue.

When I first started, the letters and spaces were very poorly planned. I didn't control the brush very well too!

While these still need a lot of improvements, but I'm happy I actually made some progress. Look at the same quote at bottom left, I'm happily giving it away to the person who inspired me to write the quote as a gift. She's my boss, she's always been inspiring and encouraging. 

So now, I'm being one of the most greedy person in the world, trying to learn everything, doodle, hand lettering, watercolour, design on Illustrator. Reading bits and pieces, browsing Instagram and Pinterest.

I wish this time, this will really bring me somewhere I wanted to be. I promise myself I'll work for it.

Some time ago, I wrote in my personal diary (Yes, I still keep one even though I hardly wrote anything), 为不是妈妈的自己加油。

I know, life is not always good. 

And right now, life is terrible. I'm tired, mentally. I hate partial of my motherhood experience. And I am struggling to give myself an identity apart from being a mother. 

It's so hard sometimes I want to quit. And it's even harder when I blame myself for wanting to quit. 

And all the guilt I carry with me all the time. 

I regret when I scold him, I regret when I beat him, I regret when I lost it and snap. 

I feel guilty when I do not manage to get him to work with him, I feel self conscious when other people try to communicate with him, I feel worry when he doesn't seem to move forward.

I feel nobody will ever understand what I am actually going through. 

I hate it when other parents share the accomplishments of their children. And yet it's a very stupid hate, my second child is achieving her milestones too. Shall I hate myself?

And then, I feel stupid for feeling angry and envious.

And most of all, the loneliness. I thought I was stupid to feel this way but only to find blogs of other mothers feeling the same too. 

Sometimes I do not know what I want more, to have my friends to ask me openly how I am holding up, or to have friends talk about other things like everything is okay. I don't even know what I want. 

I want to find a better way to cope with myself. I need one. 

Hello 2018!

I know it's a little late for a new year post, but the year started a little rough. My son's been sick the second day we got back from hometown. Nursing him to recovery, and caring for the both of them have taken up all the time. He's still recovering, hope he gets well really soon!

While the Facebook flooded with comics and memes of how tough was 2017, I thought to myself, it wasn't that bad. Like what I wrote in my Instagram post, I was a little low because I thought I didn't achieve anything for the year, but I didn't particularly think that 2017 has been bad to me. Also, reminded by my friends, that I actually did quite a few things, even though I do not call them achievements. 

Not until my husband reminded me of a few things that happened in 2017.

My son was hospitalised due to complex seizures. And worse, it was during my confinement. I was tired all the time, and feeling guilty that I could not be with my newborn. 

He had a couple more seizures throughout the year, we've seen neurologist a few times. And he's been confirmed to have epilepsy.

He started on his first epilepsy medication, Epilim and the side effects got the worst on him. He can't control himself, cry several hours and we had to get him to A & E. We're just very very tired, but really thankful my mother was around.

After he listed out the events, I thought to myself, how can I forget all these? But again why not? Ignorance (or lack of good memory in this case) can sometimes be a bliss. I do not remember not because I do not care for him, but I guess my brain protect myself from such pain by hiding these information.

Instead I reminded myself he enrolled to the center since February last year, and made some improvements. He's not talking but at least he can sometimes try to communicate. He's not running, but he's walking much better and more confident with stairs. He's not on par with his growth, but he has better awareness.

Besides, I'm thankful that after Epilim failed, we tried Keppra and it works. We can go on a family vacation like it used to be!

It's never been easy, whether it's 2017 or 2016 or 1999... that's life! We face challenges every year, every month, every day.

All I can tell myself is to move on, work hard and don't give up!

Let The Kids Be Who They Are

In other words, Leave Them Alone!

Today I decided to open up something that I have kept with me since young. (Yikes!)

I have a wonderful sister. We love her, I love her.

She's wise, we turn to her for advice. She's fun, she makes comedy funnier and horror movies scarier. She's crazy, she doesn't act like her age most of the time. She's wonderful, because she loves us for who we are and she loves my children unconditionally too.

But having such a sister, may not always make things easy for you. I spent a lot of my growing up times being the "victim" of comparison, from relatives and teachers alike. Thankfully, my parents never did this to us. And my lovely sister, she never acts superior.

There were several occasions that the comparisons were made so blunt, they were hard to shake it off. I persuaded myself to let it go so many times but, if I am still currently writing it, it means I have never really let it go.

Hurtful things were said to me:

"Your sister is so good in her maths, what happened to you?" By a math teacher, are you f***ing kidding me, it hurt me so badly I told my chemistry teacher I would like to change to another class and drop the subject. Thankfully she's so kind, she advice me to stay through and I did.

"Whoa, I never expected you could get so many A's like your sister!" by some relatives. Like, seriously?

The list goes on but I'm not going to write them down. My point is, everybody is FREAKING different. We have our own traits, we have our own strengths. Being born in the same family, doesn't mean we perform the same.

Victims of comparison often have to "act" like nothing happened when you made that comparison (we have to act, because if we react, you'll say we're RUDE), but deep down, that comments that you may not have remembered anyway, pierced through the confidence, shattered the person. Especially they were made during the sensitive years of teenage. Maybe it's just me as I can be a more sensitive person.

I spent a lot of time during my uni and my working life, trying to figure out what exactly are my strengths. Because most part of my growing life, I felt I'm of no good in anything.

I'm lucky I have a very very good sister. She loves me for whoever I am and she gives me advice all the time and takes good care of me. She loves me like a second mother to me. That is so important to me, because she makes me who I am today.

So, please stop comparing siblings, or cousins or anything, in anything! Everybody is different.

(And you wonder why second child has some characteristics, we're just trying to protect ourselves from being hurt)

Feed The Mommy——日式照燒三文魚和蘑菇小白菜伴蕎麦

快速解决的午餐

再次让我脸皮厚厚的分享我“自创”的快速料理。

拌面酱料：

• 1汤匙麻油
• 1汤匙日本white dashi
• 1汤匙酱油

材料：

• Soba或任何你喜欢的面条吧
• 任何菇类，多种都可以
• 小白菜
• 三文鱼
• 奶油
• Teriyaki Sauce
• 白芝麻
• 青葱

做法：

1. 三文鱼先用teriyaki sauce稍微腌制以下 （我在巴杀买的三文鱼，都会请uncle帮我切片，煮起来方便）
2. 依照包装上的指示煮面条。在煮面条的最后一分钟下小白菜。
3. 热锅，蘑菇用奶油炒一炒。
4. 起锅，煎一煎三文鱼。
5. 煮好的面条和小白菜，和酱料一起捞一捞。
6. 铺上煎好的蘑菇和三文鱼，撒上青葱和白芝麻即可。
7. 找个光线好的地方，拍张照片。呵呵。

十五分钟搞定的午餐！

清境住宿——黄庆果园

黄庆果园，听起来非常的不文雅。老实说，我是那种以名字取民宿的人。清境大大小小的民宿很多，黄庆果园是我轻易跳过的民宿。

但是后来为什么还是选择他呢？原因很简单，我上网搜查“清境亲子房”的时候，有好几个网友推荐这家。看着看着，我心动了就定下来。

结果真的没有后悔！房间很有趣，小孩虽然不是很会玩，可是布设全是为孩子设计的，所以一入住他们就很高兴。而且，民宿的范围种的都是不同的水果。住宿的旅客每天可以免费吃当季丰收的水果。我们是十一月中旬入住，天天吃梨子。据说十一月尾是苹果季节！

民宿规模一般，总共有十九间房间。其中让我最纠结的是欢乐亲子房和景观房。景观房是黄庆果园唯一可以看到山景的房间。后来，我还是为孩子们订了欢乐亲子房，虽然没有后悔，但是还是有点遗憾，哈哈。人生嘛，你不能什么都要。

右手边的那栋就是景观房

樱桃，可惜没丰收！

十一月尾就有得吃的苹果

第一次看到甜柿的果树

从黄庆果园看出去的山景 

走向我们的房间的小巷子

都是阶梯，我们住两晚天天下雨，地上滑滑的

欢乐亲子房

房里有很多公仔（熊猫是我孩子的）

我和女儿睡楼上，男人和儿子睡楼下

摆设也很可爱

要是天天都可以这样多好 

山上的天气合适，多肉植物很多，而且都长得很好。

入住黄庆果园，他们有提供交通到邻近的餐馆和景点。所以交通方面没有问题，从房里出来，到柜台说一声他们就会安排。从景点要回民宿，打个电话给他们，他们就会来接你。非常方便，很好。

而且，民宿附近有个海拔最高的7-11，要吃泡面也很方便，哈哈！

如果你冬天想上阳明山……

我的原定计划，是搭捷运到北投，再从北投打车到阳明山的二子坪蝴蝶步道。走完二子坪，再打车到淡水。

但是！计划这个路线的那一天，下雨了。所以我把阳明山延迟一天。先到淡水。隔一天，虽然没有出大太阳，但也没有下雨，所以我们就决定上阳明山吧！可是，带孩子出门是很多不能预料的事。那一天大家都起得晚，我们决定在永康街吃午餐了才出发。结果，到了北投都已经两点多了。

出发前的天气，明明是好好的啊！

到了北投，看见捷运站一整排的计程车（小黄）在等客，我还以为打车肯定不是问题。结果，没有人肯载我们！！！！原因？二子坪步道有点远（就是远才需要坐车啊！），他们不想空车回来，所以就拒载！

还好，我用uber叫了一辆车子，遇到一位很好的司机。上山的路上，开始起雾，也开始下雨！我越走越担心，这样的天气，等下该怎么下山？到底能不能下车都还是问题。

上山的路上，一片朦胧，什么都看不见

在我们还没有开口问之前，司机就开口offer我们，说我们既然上了山，没什么大碍就下去看看。如果不行就下山，他可以在停车场等我们。

感动啊！

所以，我们就安心下车。

可以吃吗？

有谁可以告诉我，这是什么果？

我们下车的时候，天空飘着绵绵细雨

被老婆骗上山的背影～

其实，这样也是别有一番风味啊～

其实二子坪蝴蝶步道在阳明山的后山，稍微比较远。但是选择它的原因很简单，它是整座阳明山唯一的无障碍通道。也就是说，我们推着娃娃车都可以顺利上山的唯一一个步道。

可是啊，做功课的时候，从来都没有人告诉我。冬天的阳明山容易起雾，即使山下一片晴朗，阳明山还是有可能吹大风下大雨的。经过司机给我们解释一番，我才长知识……以后如果要上阳明山，切记，一定要趁早，早上比较不会起雾！

我把这一点铭记起来，决定回来一定要分享，这样想去的朋友要是不小心走进我的部落格就不会重蹈我的错误。

总结：

Tips 1: 二子坪蝴蝶步道是无障碍步道，老少咸宜。

Tips 2：如果冬天上阳明山，切记要早上去。（N年前，我们的举家游也是在阳明山上避雨）

Tips 3: 小黄不喜欢上阳明山。如果嫌搭公车太麻烦，还是包车安全一点。

（后记：
我们走了大约0.4公里，就走人了。司机建议我们去士林官邸，我们在那儿走走看看后，就步行到士林夜市。士林夜市实实在在的太多太多人，我们直接走到剑潭站，搭捷运回东门找吃的）

带孩子旅行去～

摄于清境，青青草原

带孩子旅行辛苦吗？
辛苦啊～

摄于台北101

带孩子旅行累吗？
男人说比他工作还累。对我而言，就是跟我的每一天一样。或者其实更好一些，因为我无需做家务啊。

又累又辛苦，为什么要去呢？
第一、距离我上一次出走，已经是一年了。我是不能够静静呆着的，我真的想走走。
第二、大儿子6个月就出国了，小女儿现在都八个月了，可以带了啊～
第三、趁孩子还小，没有被上课的时间表束缚的时候自由行走，可以避过学校假期的高峰期。

一家人出游的状况，两个推车，两个行李箱。爸妈各自背一个背包。

第四、这是唯一的腻在一起的方式。
男人每天上班的时间很长。早上睡醒，和小女儿说几句话，抱着儿子上学就上班了。晚上他回来，女儿睡了，儿子多数还没睡，不过也在房间里了。只有星期日才有时间真正的陪伴。这一次出游一周，是女儿出生以来第一次享受着父母全天候的陪伴，也是儿子隔了一年享受这种陪伴。这样的陪伴，我们才观察到他们的习性，他们的进步，他们之间很奇特的沟通等等。如果没有放下工作，放下家里的家务，是不可能这样陪伴的。

带孩子出游，心理准备要有，因为总是很多状况。比如说下雨了，就得依据天气做行程的更改。结果，明明天晴了才出发，到达目的地也是起雾下雨。

浪漫朦胧的阳明山……

比如说，把推车推到淡水情人桥，发现只有楼梯！

男人连人带车一起扛上情人桥

比如说，到了青青草原，儿子不知道为什么完全不合作。因为青青草原的阶梯很多，我们没带推车，结果老爸他全程抱。

看得出来，他是很不喜欢这里

比如说，儿子把奶瓶弄丢了，我晚上11点跑着去邻近的商店买奶瓶。

比如说，女儿把袜子全都弄丢了，把奶嘴也弄丢了。

比如说，儿子最后几天罢吃，我们天天都买面包！

比如说，多叫儿子的分量他却不吃，吃的我们很撑。

比如说，以为天气会冷，都把他们的外套穿上，结果出大太阳，摄氏30度，是想热死谁？？！！

比如说，他两太累了，我们让他们睡到自然醒，结果，三点才到阳明山……

比如说，明明天气很冷，他们两都不穿袜子。

野人两个

比如说，明明高铁上很安静，他两大喊大叫，我们只好开手机。

兄妹两

等等等等……

带孩子出门，要做最好最周详的计划，然后有心理准备随时要更改。

三十四岁的

三十四岁的那天，我和小女儿在为一张很重要的文件奔波

上个星期过了我的三十四岁。乐观一点，就是我四张还有得找！悲观一点，还有几步就步入四张啦！

步入三张之后没多久，我辞职了，在家当个全职妈妈。孩子生了两个，整个人每天都在打仗似的过。所以，生不生日好像每天都一样。有的人认为我的生活肯定是过的蛮紧绷的。有的人认为我肯定是过的很闷。

我的生活一般般，有时候很紧绷。比如说和三岁的儿子闹别扭，倔强的年龄，再加上零语言，闹起来很痛苦。有时候，儿子生病了，怕孩子因为生病会发癫痫。喂药也是一种折腾。有时候男人整天不在家，午睡时间就是就紧绷的时间。两个在一起两个都不睡，两个分开的，却只有一个妈妈。那个妈妈陪着的又不赶紧睡，那个妈妈没陪着的在哭闹边缘……真是……

闷呢？不闷，没空闷。但是寂寞。是的，寂寞。一天超过十二小时的时间，我是面对着两个零语言的孩子。都是我在说，我在做，我在唱。大的就是喊喊喊的，小的就是呀呀呀的。这样就过一天。如果男人不回家，我可能一天都没有说过一句有意义的对白。

有时候会想，几时再回去工作。但也有想过不再当工程师。所以每当有时间都是学学typography啊，看看平面设计等等的资料。希望可以从中学习，或许哪天他们长大了我去上专课？都是希望，有梦好过没梦。有梦但没时间，就一点点的做，不能急。因为真的真的没时间。

过了一定的年龄以后，我都不再给自己定什么新年计划，我发现我每走几年方向都在改变。改变就是定律。所以，只要确保我有在为此刻我想做的事附加以行动，就好了。说真的，辞职以后我比以前上班的时候积极。以前上班嘛，下班喊累结果什么都没做。干了7年都是浑浑噩噩。反而现在更珍惜有时候一天下来仅有的半个小时。辞职也不全是坏事。

生日，对自己说，老话一句，为不是妈妈的自己加油。

三岁

最爱做的事，就是绕着餐桌找吃的

儿子明天就三岁了。今年和往年不同，我们再也没有回家过生日。他开始上学了，所以为了不打扰他的规律，我们这些日子以来，都很少回家了。再加上，我一带二，很难再像以前一样飞来飞去。等他们大点再说吧！

三岁了。他不懂的许愿，如果许愿有用的话，我愿意把我的生日愿望让给他。许个愿，要他健康，要他不再是特殊儿童。就这么“简单”。我不知道为什么上天做不到。

我有个好朋友，她是虔诚的基督教徒。偶尔会发一些感人的故事，就是什么什么孩子，有什么什么症状。然后因为全家人虔诚祷告，最后孩子奇迹般地好了，跟没事人一样。我当然知道这是她的好意，我当然从来没有反问她。但是，真的，如果真有那么厉害，为什么一开始就制造这么多痛苦？真有那么厉害，为什么只针对性的分发那个所谓的奇迹？

我的家婆一直也很爱我的孩子。总是心疼他从小到大，经历了太多。就常常带他去“问神”，烧纸、拜拜、带护身符等。我也当然知道她爱孙心切，我当然知道他一番好意，我当然知道这是医学上没办法解释和解决的时候，绝境的时候做的事。我当然不反问他。不过，你看，做了三年，有用吗？为什么神明都不救我儿子？

别家小孩过生日，都是开开心心吧。我一年比一年担心。为什么发展还是很落后？为什么还是不懂事？为什么还是不说话？为什么还是会癫痫？为什么为什么为什么……我多希望我可以送他礼物？送他他这个年龄应该懂得欣赏的玩意。可我送了两年，家人朋友也送了两年，那些玩具都是堆着的。我唯一跟自己说的就是，没事儿，妹妹长大很多玩具。

今年？今年不送了。送了没玩，我还自个儿伤心。

你知道家有特殊儿童，人会不小心变成酸民吗？偶尔吧，看见社交网上，别人的孩子干嘛干嘛，多厉害多神奇，我心里就很酸。酸，但什么都不能做。PO什么是别人的的权利，我看了不开心是我自己的问题。真的真的很不开心，那就unfollow他。不看，不面对。

有时候，我觉得大家比我还爱他。我很内疚。不久前的一天，我和他发脾气了，大声呼喝他，骂他。妈妈来劝阻，我歇斯底里的对妈妈也喊了起来（对不起），我这么辛苦谁知道？辛苦到不想干了，谁知道？？！我当时是这样在喊。

我当然知道他可怜，被我生成这个样子，他也不想的。但是有时候，怜爱的背后，还隐藏着一丝丝的埋怨。我内心深处怨着就是因为这样这样，我没法怎样怎样……我痛，我知道这个是很错误的概念，我努力想摆脱，但却越是想摆脱越陷得深。

其他的特殊儿童家长好像都特别有爱。我只能够默默的努力，不可以让黑暗的自己把我吞噬。

儿子的生日，变成了我的反思日。写着写着，就是一篇很愤世的文章……

没事，眼泪擦干，重新出发。

（现在生活中最安慰的，就是还有给小妹妹，可爱的在学习。）

我要更勇敢面对

大儿子是迟缓儿，已经不是新闻。

从一开始，就是一味的避开，认为他应该是慢啊，可能会跟上。到后来看医生，开始各种各样的治疗。再后来，慢慢把心放开，跟好朋友说得开来。

但是，我始终踏不出去的，就是在更多普通朋友面前，放开的承认这件事。

我是没有必要做这个交代，我生活里的事其实没有欠任何人。但是心里总觉得，如果我可以更放开的，摊开的，那我就进一步克服我的心理障碍。

我正在慢慢的迈入这个阶段。

慢慢的

慢慢的

我可以的

迷恋的望着好久不见的大姨

他最爱我们逛街买吃的

无奈的，蓝莓一下子被吃光了

这个进步得来不易，上学确实是好事

妹妹很可爱，妹妹的加入，慢慢的带给哥哥一点点的刺激。希望这样也会刺激他的进度